It’s JobMine season, everyone, and if you’re like me — abandoned by your long-term writing partner and “friend” for a “job” in “Toronto” — you still haven’t had an interview. But don’t worry! In this article, you’ll find tips on how to write the right cover letter to land you that job.
Point A
Don’t use your real name — use a classy pseudonym instead. This way, your potential employer won’t even have to know about your criminal record. To come up with a good pseudonym, try combining the first name of your childhood idol and the last name of an old time rocker. For example, Sponge Jovi. See how easy it is?
Point 2
Don’t ask for a job — ask for a promotion. Make your employer-to-be think you’re an employee-to-are. The resulting confusion might just land you a job and a pay raise. Plus, when they find out you’re not already on the company payroll, they’ll probably congratulate you for having moxie and/or spunk.
Point C-3PO
Talk about your hobbies. Employers aren’t just looking for a worker, they’re looking for a friend. If it turns out Mr. Bossman enjoys writing Harry Potter fanfics as much as you, then you might find your time writing Hairy Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-can-bang wasn’t such a waste after all.
Point 401(k)
Put everything together in an easy-to-read format. For fonts, I recommend either Comic Sans, Wingdings, or Helvetica.
If you need to see an example of all these concepts in action, take a look at my cover letter to Tesla:
Dear Elon Musk,
It was great talking to you at the electric-water cooler the other day. I just wanted to follow up on that conversation we had about giving me a raise, and to share with you a little bit about myself: I enjoy long walks on the beach and into the ocean, fine cheeses, and the gentle breeze of a warm summer’s day. Among other qualifications, I am a licensed Pleasure Craft Operator — which sounds dirty, but isn’t (unless you’re into that sort of thing). During my first term at the University of Waterloo, I developed a resistance to sleep, invented a new kind of pizza, and learned how to take the bus alone, without my parents. If you hire promote me, I’ll bring a positive attitude, a good work ethic, and some fine cheeses to the workplace.
Forever yours,
Barney Slash
And that’s all there is to landing a job. Read next issue’s paper for my column on how to catch a goose and skin it, too. Happy JobMining!
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