Every culture has ideas of what is and is not acceptable, because nobody likes a creep. Unfortunately, the ideas of what is okay and what is sick and wrong tend to change from time to time and place to place. Here are some things your ancestors have done that are just…. wrong.
The Irish had a thing for (men’s) nipples
Babies breastfeeding from their mothers is cool. Everyone’s done it. However, the ancient Celts in Ireland decided to take things a step further. Ordinary Irish guys sometimes expressed loyalty and submission to their king by sucking on his nipples. The logic behind this has been lost in the mists of time, if it ever existed.
Furthermore, what if some dude wanted to be king, but couldn’t cut it? A guy who tried to become king (probably by overthrowing the old one) might be in danger of having his nipples cut off before execution, to symbolically show that he could never become king.
Of course, the ancient Irish were a pretty fierce bunch anyway, what with their constant wars and human sacrifices and all. Of course, they weren’t alone…
The Aztecs had fake wars, just to obtain human sacrifices
Everyone’s seen those movies where some creepy priest would rip a dude’s heart out on top of a pyramid. It’s pretty common knowledge that the Aztecs were hardcore. However, did you ever wonder where they got those dudes from?
The Aztecs would sacrifice thousands of people on festival days, and they ran out of victims pretty quickly. Every Aztec man was obliged to be either a priest or a warrior, and most warriors ended up getting sacrificed.
You see, every time they needed more sacrifices, they would start a war with a neighbouring city-state in order to capture some warriors. When they became an empire, they started to run out of enemies they could fight. What was the solution to the problem? The warriors would divide into two teams, who would then fight each other. The captured guys were sacrificed, and according to their beliefs, then had access to the best afterlife.
The priests didn’t have it too easy either, as they were forbidden to wash or cut their hair. That doesn’t sound too bad, until you realize that they ritually smeared themselves with soot, and got covered in blood by the nature of their work. Their hair would be so matted and filthy that fungi would start to grow in it. After many years of priesthood, the hair could be so heavy that it was hard for them to walk.
Oh, yeah. Some historians say that Aztec priests were only supposed to sleep with… each other.
The Greeks believed that the ideal romance was between a teenaged boy… and an old man
The Greeks had some odd beliefs about sex. For one thing, they considered the active partner to be superior, and the passive partner to be inferior. Of course, this was mainly good old-fashioned sexism. They also disapproved of gay men, because of course two social equals couldn’t have sex! The scandal!
Of course, since a young teenager wasn’t a full citizen yet, he was a social inferior and was therefore perfectly fair game. The Greeks thought that the perfect relationship was between and older man and a boy. The man would teach and mentor the kid, while also screwing him. Harvard would disapprove.
When the boy reached adulthood, the relationship would have to stop. This may or may not have been a relief. On the one hand, handsome boys were constantly given gifts and fought over by their (creepy) suitors, and this would stop. On the other hand… these couples are depicted thousands of times in Greek artwork, and the boy is never, even once, pictured as enjoying himself.
The Babylonians believed in sacred prostitution
That doesn’t sound so creepy. After all, prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, and everyone involved is a consenting adult. However, according to Herodotus, Babylonian sacred prostitution was pretty strange.
Every woman was religiously obliged, at least once in her life, to sell her body for the sake of the goddess Mullissu. The women would go to the temple and wait for the first man to offer her money in the name of the goddess. She then had to sleep with him and take the money, or it would be a sin. After that, she was free to go home and did not have to prostitute herself again.
When the women lined up in front of the temple, men would walk up and down and choose them. A woman couldn’t leave until someone had picked them, and so some women would have to wait a very long time. The customers could cheap out, too – whatever money they offered, the women had to take, as it was considered sacred.
You have to wonder about the guy who invented this religion.
Prophet: “I have a message from the goddess: Every woman has to sleep with the first man who offers her a coin!”
Everyone else: “SEEMS LEGIT.”
Mesoamericans pierced their genitals, because reasons
The Aztecs sacrificed people. I may have mentioned that before. However, horrifying shit wasn’t limited to the Aztecs – all of Mesoamerica had some pretty messed-up religious practices.
Blood sacrifice was a pretty big deal, and a lot of it was self-sacrifice. Worshippers might pierce their ears or their tongue to get a bit of blood. No biggie, right?
And then they did things like this:
WARNING: If you are squeamish, STOP READING NOW. You will not be able to forget this.
Mayan men performed a ceremony where they pierced a hole in their genitals. They would then pull a string through the hole. A large group would do this at the same time, and they would tie themselves together with the string and anoint a statue of the god with their blood.
Why? It was a fertility ritual. Because, clearly, that will improve your fertility.
And women? They did it by pulling a rope through their tongues. And their rope had sharp spines woven into it.
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