*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
When you see an attractive female that you would like to copulate with, attract their attention, do not be an attention whore like those fracking mallards, with their bright green plumage. Did you know that mallards right before they molt in early June will forcibly mate with female ducks that appear to be isolated or unattached regardless of their species and whether or not they have a brood of ducklings. That is some disturbing, Jian Ghomeshi shit right there. Do not do that, be cool as a goose and do not be like the mallards who will sire replacement clutches of eggs and force female ducks to lay more than half her body weight in eggs. Show you are the apex predator by scaring the socially awkward students on campus, this will prove to the females that you are strong and can take care of all the little goslings that they will have laid after you get laid. The best time to try to reproduce and pop out 5-6 babies is from mid March to May. I started reproducing when I was 2 years old and the best place to nest has always been the exact same place as previous year’s nest, water front property is always great and will get you those geese hunnies. After 28-30 days, those eggs will hatch into tiny adorable yous and within 2 to 3 months, they will be able to fly. Until then, make sure you try to kill everything that walks by your babies. Students, faculty, extra points for getting famous people, they are all fair game to get the a taste of your geesey brute power. If you are unable to be as alpha as I am, you may need to try less effective geese techniques to attract the female gander; (gander, gender? Ah? Ah? Gander means male goose) try using your words. Geese are not able to speak in words, our vocabulary is restricted to HONK and HOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK. Not exactly Yeats, that’s why you, as humans, should try to get create conversation with your mouth words before you physically stop them from leaving and telling them they are good looking. As much as people like being told they are attractive, they also like it a lot better if they are are hearing these things from people buying them dinner…or a cup of coffee.
As a Waterloo goose, I am quite happy that there are so many places for young, hip geese like me to meet other geese with similar interests, like eating grass and pooping everywhere. By going to these ponds and lakes, I get to meet other geese with similar interests and values. Maybe humans should try that sometimes, going to places where people congregate to discuss similar interests and participate in shared activities to create emotional bonds, instead of grabbing people in front of RCH and expecting them to reciprocate feelings after you yell at them how attractive they are. These places includes clubs, teams, groups, POETS and the Bomber on Wednesday nights.
In the words of the great University of Waterloo goose poet, “
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