After months of investigation, evidence has turned up confirming long standing suspicions that EIC Spenser Good has been abusing the powers of his position.
It is no secret that the all-mighty advisory board (the oligarchs of The Iron Warrior) were reluctant to appoint Spenser as their figurehead. Spenser has been thought of as a sort of firebrand in the past; he has a penchant for writing controversial articles, even one requiring the newspaper to apologise numerous times. It seems at the time, in the position of a lowly writer, he did not understand that The Iron Warrior was a publication that did not promote freedom of speech and freedom of the press, and instead the oligarchs choose “political correctness” over freedom of expression.
Despite that early gaffe, Spenser was still appointed EIC where in the second issue he was going to publish an article that did not sit well with the advisory board and was subsequently pulled. This was what prompted the secret investigation. That investigation turned up numerous implications that corruption is running rampant throughout The Iron Warrior.
An initial investigation into the budget shows that $20 a week is assigned to food during the meeting. But is this $20 used in its entirety? The simple answer is no. Most meetings have some cookies and pop but definitely not $20 worth. Last week’s meeting didn’t even have any snacks! A careful examination of the C&D expense book shows numerous expenses to an item costing 55 cents. This price doesn’t correlate with pop or cookies so what could it be? Well, the investigation unit trailed Spenser for two weeks and lo and behold: Spenser Good has an addiction to Peppermint Tea. Every day he buys one or two cups of the stuff. And how much does tea cost at the C&D? 55 cents! Clearly Spenser has been using the Iron Warrior snack budget on himself. Who knows what else he has expensed for his personal consumption. It’s fairly easy to hide a few extra cookies in the expenses that are indiscernible from cookies used in the meetings
The investigation also turned up other signs of corruption. Last year The Iron Warrior ordered three monitors for use in the meeting room. Well if you were to walk into the meeting room right now, you would see only one new monitor. So where did the other three go? Well, who’s one of the only people to have keys to the room? That’s right, it’s Mr. Good. Although the investigation never turned up any hard evidence he stole them, we think the implications are pretty clear.
When you walk into the room to check out the monitors, why don’t you have a look around and see all the power tools and hardware lying around. It seems Spenser has been using the office as a personal work shop in what has been termed “a gross misuse of Iron Warrior resources.” The room is for Iron Warrior purposes only, using it for anything else (including hooking up on the couches) is abusing EIC powers.
Also, it would be advisable to stay away from The Iron Warrior mailing list. Despite numerous requests by past staffers, some of who have graduated long ago, Spenser has refused to remove anyone from the over 500 recipient mailing list.
When asked to comment on these allegations Mr. Good had to say this: “These allegations are purely fantastical. I’ve done great things for the paper. Sure, I love peppermint tea more than life itself but that doesn’t mean I’ve been charging The Iron Warrior for it. Usually I just borrow money from my friends and never pay it back. Ask any of them and they’ll back me up.” Upon further investigation this statement proved to be true.
When pressed about the mailing list he had this to say: “Hey, I’m a busy guy. If I responded to every one of the at least 15 emails a day asking to be removed from the list, I wouldn’t have time to screw-up the crossword every week. They should just mark me as spam and be done with it.”
Upon the completion of the investigation, the advisory board have stated: “Mr. Good is a loose cannon. He has taken control of the paper and does what he wants with it. The paper seems to becoming more like the Metro with the amount of advertising in it. He also had a PCP where the point and counterpoint were written by the same person! That’s pretty shady to me. We need to dispose of him and appoint a new EIC who will listen to us and do as commanded.”
The future of The Iron Warrior seems uncertain for the moment. A tribunal is being setup that will examine and pass judgement on the charges against Spenser. So while this controversy runs its course I’d like to remind the readers that by choosing to read the Tin Soldier they are choosing an uncorrupt, honest, ethical and truthful newspaper. The same can’t be said for that rag called The Iron Warrior.
Leave a Reply