Yesterday, in a move that surprised no one, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced the winner of the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize. The Committee faced a tough decision, as there were many strong contenders this year, including Ugandan President-for-Life Yoweri Musevini for his crusade against homosexuality, United States President Barack Obama for his tireless efforts in support of global surveillance, Malaysia Airlines chairman Tan Sri Md Nor Yusof for managing to lose an entire plane, and finally Silvio Berlusconi, for somehow managing to avoid staining headlines with his name last year.
All of these people put up strong showings in the name of fraternity, peace and understanding, yet at the end of the day, there was only one real choice for the prize this year. The Nobel Committee awarded the prize to the Right Honourable Vladimir Putin this year for the progress he has made in promoting peace in Eastern Europe, particularly in the Ukraine. After all, how can two countries have conflicts if one of them no longer exists? Putin is probably a huge fan of comics from the imperialist capitalist west, as his geopolitical strategy of unifying the world by making the entire Western Hemisphere hate him is remarkably similar to Ozymandias’ alien invasion hoax from Watchmen. In fact, Alan Moore is already suing for copyright infringement.
In his acceptance speech, Putin thanked “the KGB for being there during [his] formative years, and Dmitriy Medvedev for holding down the fort while [he] was ‘gone.’” Putin formed his fingers into bunny ears on his head when he got to the word “gone”. The rest of the speech contained some mixture of the phrases “Russia stronk [sic]”, “Soviet rise”, “Western imperialist/capitalist pigs/dogs”, and “Glorious Russian victory in World War III.” He also thanked the Norwegian Nobel Committee for the complimentary tea and biscuits. I won’t lie; I fell asleep halfway through listening to the speech.
On the Nobel Prize website, there is a character bio for the laureates. On Putin’s, it lists his hobbies as “glorifying Mother Russia, doing manly things like jet flying and shirtless fishing, and long walks on the beach.” It also lists his stated age as 92.
Reaction to Putin’s award has been mixed. President Obama could not understand how the prize could be awarded to someone who was “literally Hitler,” while Chinese general secretary Xi Jinping’s only response was a mumble that sounded like the word money being repeated over and over again. Roger Ebert’s ghost wrote that the character of Putin was “well written, and very consistent in his beliefs and ideals. However that consistency is a double-edged sword, as this can also make Putin seem boring and repetitive at times, a little too similar to the old Soviet dictators that his character tries so successfully to emulate.”
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