Topz (With a Z): Top Reasons Engineers are Better than Arts Majors

Wade Wilson & Edward Blake - 3Z Hadsomeness
Posted on: January 23, 2013

Note: Topz (With a Z) is a regular column in the Iron Warrior which employs cynical and absurd sarcasm in a paltry effort to be entertaining. We understand that this week’s topic may be a sore spot for some, so we would like to explicitly clarify that this is for us as well. This article’s intention is to demonstrate the flaws in what we find to be a disappointing, widespread, Engineering superiority-complex often directed at Arts majors. To reiterate, we have no issue with Arts majors, rather, with those who are unreasonably hostile towards them in the name of petty and overused comedy.

As an Engineer, there are a few basic principles for which you must stand: integrity, responsibility, and humility. And it is in that spirit of humility that you must make an effort, each and every day, to humiliate anybody who has chosen a field of study different from your own. Like all forms of blind patriotism, there is a common enemy against whom we rally. Bush-era America had the French, Canadians have Americans, and Engineers have Arts majors. Now, some may claim that our attitudes are unfounded and immature, but they’re just big buttheads. To counter these jerks, we have compiled for you a comprehensive list of the ways in which Engineers are better than Arts majors.

Arts doesn’t produce anything useful: From the creation of the wheel to that phallus you drew on AutoCAD, everything useful has been created by The Engineer. Engineers actually do things, right?? Arts majors are just wasting their time. When was the last time an Artsie made a bridge? A car? An IED? No: Arts majors just diddle around making stupid junk that nobody needs like abstract art (it’s just a bunch of dumb lines and stuff!), Human Resources departments (they’re just full of Tobys!), poetry (Hey T. S. Elliot! Does that sound for “Too stupid”?? More like “Leaves of Crass”!), music, literature (what has Rudyard Kipling done for us lately?), theatre (Shakespeare doesn’t even make any sense! Where art thou, sense?), cinema, and legislation (More like the Magna Farta!). While dumb Artsies are out “philosophizing” about Diogenes, Engineers are unzipping jeans … or at least watching it happen on an OLED monitor with way-sweet image contrast. Who needs an Artsie-produced entertainment industry, when we can just be entertained by Engineers. After all, nothing is funnier than plagiarizing Reddit, and recycling racist, misogynistic, and homophobic humour which would make Cosmo Kramer blush.

Artsies Waste Their Time: So Artsies are wasting their time while “working”, but what’s even more appalling is how much they waste their time while not working (no, not sleep, “free time”). Arts majors will engage in such ridiculous endeavours such as “dating” (it’s kind of like private browsing, but more interactive and requires taking a shower), “clubbing”, cultivating “hobbies”, “reading” (for fun?!), “exercising”, and “getting to know themselves”. Every engineer understands that your early twenties are a time for hard work, sleeplessness, building a skills inventory, networking, and LoL. Having fun can wait until you’re retired. The dating scene is so much more scandalous when you’re single with shingles.

Stereotypes Exist for a Reason: Everyone knows that our stereotypes are accurate. I mean, we know this one guy in Arts who totally fits the stereotype: he wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, grabs his glasses, and is out the door going to hit the city … of Waterloo. Naturally, this alone validates the sweeping generalizations made against all Arts students. If you could find a person in Engineering who lived up to some hypothetical negative connotations with the Faculty (for the sake of our little Gedankenexperiment, let’s say traits such as social awkwardness, arrogance, and a condescending attitude) it would be fair for other majors to ascribe these attributes to Engineers in general. Fortunately, we cannot think of anyone in Engineering who is socially awkward, arrogant and condescending; of course we’re too intelligent and mature for such childishness that would be more likely found in an Arts major … or so we would assume, we don’t really make friends outside of Engineering (save for the occasional token Science or Math major).

Arts Majors Suck at Math: Arts majors can’t tell the difference between a polyglot and a polynomial (and this is no hyperbole). Without a solid knowledge of advanced calculus, how are you supposed to take someone seriously? If you’re an adult who has yet to master mathematics, how are you able to even hold a conversation? If you have seven chocolate bars and your friend eats eit chocolate bars where t is time in minutes, how will you know how soon it will be until she gets diabetes? Trick question: you don’t know any girls. That’s engineering intuition, and something Arts majors lack. What do you they have that we don’t? A basic competency in language and communication skills? Well who the heck cares about that? The only language you need to know is C++.

Arts Majors Have Weird Flavours of Toothpaste: We know this isn’t the most “politically correct” thing so say, but seriously, what is up with Arts majors and their wacky flavours of toothpaste? I mean we’ve all heard it before, it comprises no less than seven stanzas of Lady Godiva’s Hymn, but it’s as true as always. It’s like, you walk into an Artsy’s bathroom and they have Orange Citrus and Vanilla Bean, but where’s the Peppermint? Where’s the Spearmint? Where’s the basic human decency?

Jokes making fun of Arts will never cease to be funny, ever! Especially not after first year. There’s a reason that Engineers are telling the same jokes that they were telling 20 years ago. People who have different ambitions, passions and interests in life are patently wrong to do so, and hence are deserving of our scorn and mockery. After all, it’s only a joke and totally cool because it’s just jokes: we’re just choking your chicken a little, pulling your chain, undermining your goals in life, getting at your goat. And we have no intention of stopping… ever. ERTW.

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